Content warning: This story mentions family violence, including physical, sexual, emotional, financial and spiritual abuse. Please read with care. Resources and support are available at AbuseResponseAndPrevention.ca.
Family violence does not only happen “out there.” It happens in Christian homes and churches, here in Manitoba and beyond. Dr. Val Hiebert, an MCC Manitoba Abuse Response and Prevention (ARP) coordinator and sessional university instructor, calls this silence the “holy hush.” Her recent article based on local research and interviews in Southern Manitoba lifts the veil, showing that many victim-survivors sit in our pews and live in our neighborhoods, often unseen and unheard.
“The capacity to identify and help the women and children — and occasionally men — whose lives are steeped in abuse is critical to the future well-being of the church,” says Hiebert.
Family violence takes many forms. It can be yelling, threats and control. It can be hitting or sexual harm. It can be controlling and withholding money or using religious beliefs to pressure someone to submit. In Canada, many women — roughly four in ten — report experiencing partner violence at some point. Churches are not exempt. According to Hiebert, studies show rates in Christian homes are similar to the wider community. Victim-survivors include women and children, as well as men (though to a lesser degree).
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“The capacity to identify and help the women and children — and occasionally men — whose lives are steeped in abuse is critical to the future well-being of the church.”
Why the silence?
“There are many deep cultural elements within various strains of Christian belief and teaching that feed violence, both unintentionally and intentionally. We need to surface what is beneath if we are going to work toward healthier Christian families,” says Hiebert.
Many churches hold up the “perfect” Christian family. People then hide the abuse and harm to protect their marriage, their church and their standing with God. Leaders may use soft words like “marital problems” instead of naming abuse. Some pastors have little training to respond. Others feel pressure to “save” a marriage at any cost. Forgiveness can be urged too quickly, before safety and truth-telling. These choices can keep victim-survivors in danger and deepen their shame.
Some teachings can also be misused. Passages about wives submitting to husbands are sometimes twisted to defend control or violence. Strict views on divorce can trap women and children in unsafe homes. In male-led systems, a woman may fear telling a pastor who holds power over her life. Not every church is the same, but the pattern is clear: when there is a power imbalance between men and women where submission is stressed, abuse can grow in the shadows.
Victim-survivors are often left to choose between safety and belonging. As one local leader told Hiebert, many women in shelters come from conservative churches. They love Jesus. They love their families. But they have been told to pray more, submit more and forgive more while the harm continues.
This is not the way of Christ, who protects the vulnerable and names injustice. So how do we break the “holy hush”?
It is important to tell the truth about abuse and recognize that it is never the victim’s fault. It is not “just a bad marriage.” It is harm.
Always center safety. If someone discloses abuse, believe them. Help them focus on their safety. Connect them with trusted services, including shelters, counsellors and, when needed, police. Churches can build bridges with local shelters and learn from trained advocates.
Equipping leaders is key to ending the “holy hush”. Pastors and church boards need training in trauma, risk and referral. Seminaries can prepare future leaders to respond with care — not denial. Sermons can name abuse and offer hope, opening paths to healing instead of keeping silence. Adopting clear, written policies on how to respond to abuse help churches act quickly, safely and well.
Healing is possible but it takes time. It often requires steady support, counselling and community. Forgiveness should never be used to send someone back into harm.
MCC Manitoba’s Abuse Response and Prevention program helps churches do this work. ARP raises awareness, offers workshops on healthy relationships and equips communities to respond to abuse with care and trauma sensitivity. Together, we can move from silence to safety, from shame to truth and from harm to healing.
To learn more, find support or book a workshop, visit AbuseResponseAndPrevention.ca.