Mennonite Central Committee

How to Find a Good Therapist

Adapted with permission from Jobst Frohberg, MFd RCC

Deciding to go see a counsellor is a big step. It may take time to find a therapist who meets your needs, with whom you feel safe.

You may want to think about the following questions and even ask the counsellor some of the questions, either in a phone call before you make the appointment or in a counselling session on your own.

 

1. Questions to ask
   1. Would you say this is abuse?
   2. How will you know if he is telling the truth?
   3. Whom do you believe to be responsible for the abuse?
   4. Are you experienced in counselling someone with a faith perspective, or someone who is seriously questioning where God or my beliefs fit in with my experience?
2. Helpful guidelines for evaluating therapy/counselling experiences
   1. Professionalism
   2. Power
   3. Relationship

 

More information on professional misconduct

 

 

1. Questions to ask

   1. I'm not sure if what is happening to me is actually abuse. My husband/partner/boyfriend has (hit me, threatened me, called me names, pushed me). Would you say this is abuse?

      Hitting, threatening, calling names, and pushing are all forms of abuse. If the person who is being abusive is someone you love, it is common to want to make excuses for that behaviour (work stress, business, financial pressure, etc.). No one deserves abuse. The person who is being abused is not responsible for the abuse, the abuser is responsible for his/her own actions.

       

   2. I am nervous that if we come to counselling together, that he will make it sound like everything is my fault and I might not stand up for myself. How will you know if he is telling the truth?

      When there is abuse in a relationship, it is more effective for couples to go to counselling separately rather than together. Individual confidential counselling with separate therapists provides a safe space for honesty. If you go together, the situation will likely be manipulated to make it look like the victim is the one to blame. This can be very unsafe for the one who has been abused as often things shared will be used against the abused at a later date, by the one who behaves abusively.

       

   3. Whom do you believe to be responsible for the abuse?

      Often when a person is being abused, they are told over and over that it is their fault that this is happening to them. Rather than the abuser taking responsibility for his/her actions, blame is often placed on the victim. For example, sometimes women will be told the abuse happens because they don't have good enough boundaries. A good counsellor will recognize that a woman living with abuse is the expert on her own relationship dynamics. Only she will know from her own experiences and gut instincts what responses to the abusive behaviours would be safest for her. Putting up boundaries and standing up to abusive behaviour can be extremely dangerous for women living with abuse.

       

   4. Are you experienced in counselling someone with a faith perspective, or someone who is seriously questioning where God or my beliefs fit in with my experience?

      You may not totally share the same faith perspective or belief system as the counsellor you visit. A good therapist will be respectful and understanding of your personal beliefs and faith convictions, even if they are different than yours.

      If the answers the counsellor gives you are not clear to you, keep asking until you are satisfied.

   Call another counsellor

   • if you still don't really understand what she/he is saying
   • if you sense that you are being blamed for what is happening
   • if the counsellor believes that part of the responsibility for the violence is yours
   • if she/he is justifying your partner's behaviour (calling it anger, temper, stress, etc., rather than abuse)

    

   If you have told the counsellor that you are worried about being abused by your partner, she/he should be talking to you about your safety plan:

   • Giving you phone numbers of transition or safe houses in your area
   • Helping you identify signals to watch for that your partner is becoming abusive
   • Strategizing with you to keep yourself and your children safe

    

   Your counsellor's primary consideration should be for the SAFETY of you and your children.

    

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2. Helpful guidelines for evaluating therapy/counselling experiences

   1. Professionalism

      Therapist's credentials & office practice

      1. Acceptable Attitudes and Behaviours:

         • Office practices regarding fees and appointments are clear and professional
         • Training and experience are readily shared
         • Therapist maintains confidentiality and values your concerns
         • You feel respected and treated with dignity

      2. Unacceptable Attitudes and Behaviours
         Reasons to discontinue the relationship, terminate therapy with this person, or consider reporting the inappropriate behaviour:

         • If the therapist avoids or refuses information about credentials/licensing
         • Uses alcohol or illegal drugs during sessions
         • Uses sexualized behaviour or innuendos or attempts to sexualize the counselling relationship in subtle or overt ways

      3. Things which may cause you to consider looking for a different therapist:

         • Therapist's behaviour seems unprofessional (being friendly is OK, becoming your friend is not)
         • If too much of the focus is on the therapist's feelings or problems rather than your own
         • Don't second guess your own judgment, clarify your concerns with the therapist and with someone else objective whom you trust

   2. Power

      Use of authority and knowledge

      1. Acceptable Attitudes and Behaviours:

         • Lets you learn how to deal with your life your way, promotes any and all sources of positive change
         • Supports and encourages your self confidence and ability to choose your own life path

      2. Unacceptable Attitudes and Behaviours
         Reasons to discontinue the relationship, terminate therapy with this person, consider another therapist:

         • Degrading, humiliating, intimidating, shaming or pressuring you personally/emotional or socially OR physically/sexually ESPECIALLY for the purpose of sexual exploitation

      3. Things which may cause you to consider looking for a different therapist:

         • If you are uneasy with insistence on drugs as the only treatment possibility
         • If you can't tell whether you are:
           • Giving in to the therapy (the learning process) (OK)
           • Giving in personally to the therapist (NOT OK)

         If so, clarify with the therapist, get a second opinion, respect your own judgment

   3. Relationship

      Quality and use of therapist and client feelings

      1. Acceptable Attitudes and Behaviours:

         • Treats you with dignity, respect and care
         • Demonstrates how feelings can be safely and appropriately discussed and understood rather than acted upon

      2. Unacceptable Attitudes and Behaviours
         Reasons to end the relationship, terminate therapy, see another therapist, consider reporting the action:

         • Using inappropriate erotic or sexual comments
         • Touching you sexually, having any sexual contact with you in or out of the office with or without your consent

      3. Things which may cause you to consider looking for a different therapist:

         • If the therapist suggests any mutual activity which makes you uncomfortable
         • If you enjoy the therapist's attention but feel it's not right somehow

         Clarify what's happening with the therapist. Get a second opinion. Respect your own judgment.

 

More information on professional misconduct

 

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