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Surviving my childhood Katherine’s Story
I was groomed to accept verbal, physical and sexual abuse over a long period of time. So when the rape happened at age 12 by my brother it was just a slight alteration from the normal pattern. Even now, as I look back over that last sentence I realize that I didn’t put quotes around the word normal. Now I know there is nothing normal about abuse! Over the course of my young life I learned to accept inappropriate sexual touching from my grandfather, father and brothers, punishment for things I did not do, and unexpected and unexplained violent outbursts from my father. I worked hard to become smaller and smaller so I would not be noticed and mistaken for a target. Many years later I discovered that the times I was not targeted the abuse was aimed at my younger siblings. No matter what I did, I couldn’t stop it. After high school I moved away so I was able to stop the sexual abuse, but not its effects. In my early thirties I moved into a serious depression. A pastor took some initiative and asked me some pointed questions, one being, “How often do you think about killing yourself?” This jolted me into getting help. The first thing that needed to be established was a safe place to explore my life. The pastor and therapists office became my life line. I began to talk and read, talk and read as they listened. I looked for words to describe my experience and ways to express my growing anger and grief. “Nice Mennonite girls who are involved in church don’t get angry,” was what I had learned. Therapists helped me question my assumptions, provide a safe place to express myself, find ways to stop blaming myself, understand the cycles of depression, set boundaries and begin to find the self which had been trampled. Breaking the cycle of generations became my motivation during the hardest times. Unfortunately, I learned recently that the cycle has repeated itself into the next generation. As I found my self three things happened. First, I began to experience Jesus love in new ways. I found that even though there were many holes in my life, Jesus was slowly healing them through people, events and dreams. Second, I began a lifelong process to grieve the many losses which come with abuse, and third, a desire began to grow in me to learn about and tell the truth to the perpetrators as a way of reconnecting with my family. This was/is extremely painful and, in many ways, has been more painful than the actual abuse as family members close their eyes and ears to my story, take sides with the perpetrators and continue cycles of abuse into the next generation. I used Mennonite agencies to provide advocacy and support for this holy work of justice. I wasn’t interested in revenge, or peace at any cost, but in hearing and being heard, no matter how painful the event. The mantra I began to hear from my family was, “forgive and forget.” Marie Fortune says, “forgive and remember.” Remembering helped me not to be revictimized, empathize with others who were/are suffering, start new rituals of healing and do all I could to remain in the family and in the church. Jesus invites us to break bread as a way to remember or re-Member him. As I pray, seek guidance and healing I imagine a day when God will set the table before me and my “enemies” and we will be anointed with oil and be re-membered as we experience the goodness and mercy of God. This story will be featured in a coming pamphlet on child abuse in the ‘Close To Home’ series. ‘Close To Home’ pamphlets are designed to help open conversation about difficult issues. Topics include: child abuse, spouse abuse, pornography and depression. See http://wwwlmpn.org/closetohome/ Top |
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