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Father's Day — Bitter-Sweet
Jane Woelk As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear Him. - Psalm 103:13
For many children, Father's Day is bitter-sweet. Ellen used to look to the third Sunday in June with trepidation. She did not find protection in her father, but abuse and suffering. It was not until she and her husband had children that she saw what being a father should be. Ellen's father molested her when she was in her early teens. He constantly berated her for everything from not smiling enough to telling her to wash her face because she had spots all over it. Ellen inherited her freckles from her father, and the spots which he was referring to could not be washed off. He would find ways to try to see her at various stages of undress by coming into her room or even the washroom while she was taking a bath. Due to his constant scolding and back-handing her across the face in outbursts of rage, Ellen married at a very young age, just to get out of the house. She grieves for the loss of her childhood, for not having a sanctuary to call home in her growing up years, and for not having a good relationship with her father. For Ellen, and thousands of women like her, seeing God, as Psalm 103:13 indicates, as a father who pities his children and as a loving deity, is difficult. To picture God as a loving father can be impossible. Hundreds of years ago, Rembrandt painted a picture called "The Return of the Prodigal Son." In this painting, the father, who is embracing his son, has one masculine hand, and one feminine hand. One is hairy and strong, the other is hair-less and smaller. Many scholars believe that this was Rembrandt's way of portraying a loving, caring, strong, powerful God, with both masculine as well as feminine characteristics. I see part of my job, as the Voices for Non-Violence coordinator to educate boys to become involved, responsible fathers, because sometimes that is not being done at home for them. I believe that families will become stronger if males are educated, trained and equipped with better fathering skills. William Shakespeare said: "It is a wise father who knows his own child." Fathers are missing out on a life-long relationship with their children if they don't take the time to invest in them. Their children are missing out of having an understanding of wholesome parent-child bonding. For the children who have been abused by their fathers, their worldview is skewed, in that the father is supposed to protect his children, not hurt them. Sigmund Freud said: "I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection." Imagine the feeling of betrayal for a child who is not protected by his/her own father. It is widely known that children with highly involved fathers are more confident, are more likely to have higher grades, are more sociable, and can adapt easier to changes in routine. ("Dad's Role Crucial to Caring Kids." USA TODAY, 30 May, 1990). Now that Ellen's father has passed away, Father's Day is easier. She can focus on her husband and celebrate the fact that her children have a great father. During the time when her father was alive, Ellen was made to feel guilty if she did not honour her father on Father's Day each year. Her mother and siblings knew of the abuse, were aware that the father took no responsibility for his actions, and yet, thought that she needed to act as though nothing had ever happened. It was a relief for Ellen, after her father's death, when she no longer had to celebrate Father's Day with her family. How does the church respond to situations such as Ellen's? Acknowledging that abuse had occurred is the first step. Holding the abuser accountable for his/her actions is the second step. Coming along-side the abused as well as the abuser is a requirement for justice and healing to take place. (See the resources section for MCC resources on dealing with abuse). My prayer for our churches is that individuals who are hurting will find a safe sanctuary where healing can begin; that those who are hurting others will confess, show remorse, and make restitution for their actions. May those who come along-side both the abused and abuser be strong enough to deal with the issues of abuse, and may the loving characteristics of God be evident to all. Top |
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